Chris settled on the porch of the saloon and watched the activities on the street. While the ‘knowing’ was gone, there was something prickling at the back of his mind. He was worried about his friend. More than worried. Something was wrong - he could feel it. He wanted to head out immediately, but he needed to wait. The judge felt there may be trouble delivering the signed statement and thus Chris needed to be there for his partners. He was also certain some, if not all, would join him in his search for Vin. If the six of them separated they would be able to cover so much more ground. He wouldn't ask, for he didn't feel he had the right, but deep down he knew with certainty they would want to help... and the bottom line was, if he wanted to find Vin, he would need their help. The west was a big place for one man to disappear into to and if Vin wanted to disappear then he would be almost impossible to find. As Ezra had remarked, when they had all signed on to help Vin track down Eli-Joe, if they all rode out in different directions, finding him was a mathematical certainty.

Chris shifted his tense shoulders to ease the throbbing between them.

He prayed Ezra was right.

*********

By 4:30 am the sun was beginning to announce itself with a slither of orange light. The night air had provided only limited relief from the relentless heat and most rose early from their beds. People were irritable, which was understandable.

J.D. stood alone outside the sheriff’s office waiting for the Judge’s witness to arrive. The temperature climbed steeply and despite the fact that the sun was only just appearing over the horizon, the heat was already uncomfortable.

The young man watched the town come to life. There was activity in every corner. However, there was something different today… more something missing than anything else. J.D. had first noticed it the evening before, sitting in the saloon with the rest of the boys. He accepted they had a lot on their minds, but they had all been so quiet and sombre. In the past, when a melancholy would descend, Vin would make some single word comment that would cause the others to break into fits of laughter. Vin did that a lot. He just had a knack for knowing exactly what to say.

Today, Mrs. Potter was dragging things out of her store on her own. Usually, Vin did that when he came back from the morning patrol. Then he would amble down to Yosemite's for a chat, but the blacksmith was standing outside of his shop alone. The night lamps were still lit, J.D., noted, something Vin usually put out when he first rose just before dawn.

J.D. sighed loudly. Vin’s departure certainly seemed to have effected everyone and everything. Dunne had never realized how much his quiet friend had contributed to their noisy evenings in the saloon or to the harmony of their unique group. He provided a bridge between many of the boys, his easy going personality defusing things when they became difficult.

The night before, Nathan had spoken again about Rain and mentioned he was planning to go and visit her. Josiah shared his thoughts about spending time on the reservation to learn more about local indigenous customs. Ezra, for the first time in weeks, referred to what he missed about the big city. There was a sense of tired resignation among them. They all sensed that the unique time they had shared was coming to an end. Unconsciously, each was sharing the future they saw, but to J.D.‘s horror, he was on the only one who saw the days ahead including all of his friends remaining together to protect those who needed them. The others were trying to prepare themselves for when their time together ended… when they would need to go back to pursuing individual lives.

J.D. stared at each of their distant eyes and shook his head in frustration. Why had they all discounted finding Vin? Dunne had a belief deep down inside himself and he was holding on to it tightly. They would find Vin and then everything would be the way it was supposed to be - the adventure would continue with them standing side by side.

Buck was the one J.D. was truly worried about. The happy, usually animated man had been almost completely silent over the past day. This morning, J.D. had watched his best friend only find a half-hearted smile for a group of woman who had deliberately placed themselves in his path. He had simply tipped his hat and kept walking. Normally, Buck would have swept them all off their feet, his ridiculous animal magnetism showing for all to see. Today, that part of Buck that distinguished his very character was missing.

Of most concern was the frown on Wilmington’s face. He had tried to hide it, forcing a smile when he realized J.D. was staring, but Dunne could sense there something more worrying his friend than just Vin riding off. He had attempted to get Buck to open up, but the older man had brushed him aside and then gone and spoken to Ezra. Since when had Buck and Ezra become best buddies?

J.D.’s attention was drawn to Chris who exited the gun smith’s. Dunne’s eyes widened, but he caught his jaw before it fell. All movement on the street of Four Corners stopped. For the first time in weeks, Larabee was dressed completely in black. His pearl handled gun stood out on his hip and the spurs on his boots announced his presence to everyone. His strides were long and even and the persona he had created advertised to all exactly what he was - a man not to be crossed.

J.D. licked his lips as Chris spotted him and changed direction. “Mornin’ Chris.”

“J.D.” The voice that emanated from the gunfighter was soft and calm and seemed somehow at odds with his exterior. “Something wrong?”

Dunne shook his head vigorously. “No. I…no.”

“Have you seen the others this morning?”

“Everyone’s ready, Chris.”

“Good.”

“Chris, I… I want to come with you when you go looking for Vin.” It blurted out with more volume than J.D. had anticipated.

Larabee held J.D.’s gaze for a few seconds, pursed his lips and then surprisingly, he smiled. “If you change the hat.”

Dunne’s face split with a smile. The tension was gone. It was still Chris. Instantly, J.D.’s mouth went into overdrive. “Thanks, Chris. We’ll find Vin. It’ll all be okay. My ma told me that I was psychic like that. I know we’ll find him and everything will be alright.”

The smile left the older man’s face as his own doubts, guilt and concern rose. He stepped around Dunne, but his hand brushed J.D.’s shoulder. “I hope so, son.”

*********

The group of weary men set camp in a secluded grove overlooking the almost dry river. All were tired after nine hours on the trail in the strength-sapping heat. Most had been relatively quiet in the saddle. J.D. and Josiah had done their best to keep a conversation moving, but the others were largely unresponsive. Buck and Ezra had continued to exchange glances and during the few breaks they had taken, the two men had sat together sharing whispered comments.

After a meal, the group settled under the crescent moon, all thankful that the temperature had fallen once the sun had gone down. Chris rose without comment and went for a walk alone. The others watched him with a mixture of sympathy and frustration.

"I wish he would just tell us what happened," J.D. whispered.

"It isn't actually any of our business," Nathan pointed out.

"I disagree," Ezra snapped. "I, for one, do not appreciate losing a friend because Chris Larabee chose to..." He stopped, his face flushing. "I... I didn't mean that. I’ve obviously had too much sun today."

"Come on, Ezra. Let's go for a walk," Buck urged. J.D., who had been resting on his side rose up onto one elbow and watched the pair depart and disappear into the shadows.

"Someone want to explain that to me?" he demanded.

"They know something they aren't ready to share," Josiah announced.

"Yeah? What?... oh, silly question. You reckon it may be what happened between Vin and Chris?"

Josiah glanced at Nathan. "I don't know, J.D. Whatever it is, it's a heavy burden."

**********

"Buck, I... I can't keep this up. It's been twelve days. He..." Ezra turned and strode off into the darkness. He needed to be alone. He knew that Vin had to have arrived in Tascosa by now, which meant that his friend was most certainly dead.

Wilmington let Standish go. They had both struggled today. It wasn't keeping the secret that they found difficult, it was facing the fact that by now Vin's life would have been snuffed out by a rope. Strung up in Tascoasa like a wild animal... and Vin had been anything but.

Buck felt the grief of his own loss. He felt anger at Chris, and yet, at the same time, he felt dreadfully sorry for his oldest friend. Every time he looked at Chris he saw the pain that he was carrying. Buck crouched down and let his tears flow. Like Ezra, he wasn't sure if he could keep up the deception much longer.

*********

Larabee settled on some rocks at the edge of the river. He stared up at the star-filled sky, his mind unable to find peace.

Out of the darkness, he heard the sound of someone approaching.

“Mind if I join you, brother?”

“They aren’t my rocks,” Chris murmured.

Josiah smiled at the acid reply. For several moments the pair remained quiet as Josiah attempted to get comfortable. “Forgiveness of oneself is the most difficult of all types of forgiveness.”

Larabee glanced at the preacher. “You trying to make a point?”

Josiah sighed. “Chris, whether you like it or not, whether you want it or not, you’ve got more than one friend in this world and we’re worried about you.”

Larabee returned to gazing up at the stars. “I’m not sure if…”

“If you deserve our concern? If Vin can forgive you, or is it that you can’t forgive yourself?” Josiah asked. “Or is it a bit of all three?”

Chris shut his eyes. “I did the wrong thing,” he admitted in a hushed voice.

“Name a man who hasn’t.”

Chris shook his head. “I should have… damn.” He couldn’t put it into words. The images of the fight, of Vin’s face and of the empty wagon refused to let his mind rest.

“Vin will understand, Chris.”

“How can you know that?” Larabee demanded, his voice rising with anger.

“Because there are some men for whom forgiveness comes easily.”

“He’s not one of them,” Chris argued. Larabee understood Vin. Tanner believed in an eye for an eye. His forgiveness was only given to those who deserved it and Chris didn’t.

“Perhaps, but we aren’t talking about him forgiving any Tom, Dick or Harry... or J.D, or Ezra, or Nathan are we? We’re talking about him forgiving you.”

“It isn’t that easy or simple, Josiah.”

“Nope, nothing in life is, Chris. But anything worth keeping has to be fought for.”

The two men fell silent. Behind them, they could hear J.D. chattering away. The insects in the trees serenaded those willing to listen, while the river trickled, bouncing over the rocks directly below the men. Night closed in around them, cutting them off from the others.

“I didn’t fight hard enough,” Chris admitted after a few minutes.

“So change that.” The answer seemed so simple.

Chris glanced at Josiah and Sanchez smiled. Larabee snorted sarcastically. “Thanks.”

“Chris, I’ve travelled far and wide and I’ve seen a lot of truly amazing things, but when the final pages in my life are written, there will be a few chapters that will stand out. This is one of them.”

Larabee appeared amused. “I’ll bet it will.”

Josiah rose to his feet. “They say that a person is defined by the friendships he shares. If that is true, my friend, and there were as many words as stars in the sky, there still wouldn’t be enough to describe what you and Vin share.”

Chris swallowed. He knew Josiah was right. He and Vin had shared something special. Something unique. Larabee lifted his eyes to the preacher and found a great deal of understanding staring back at him. “Thanks, Josiah.”

“Any time, brother. We’ll find Vin.”

“Yeah, so J.D. told me. Apparently he’s psychic.” This brought a smirk to Larabee’s tired face.

Josiah pursed his lips. “So why is the boy so bad at playin’ cards.” With a wink, Sanchez turned and headed back to the group.

Chris returned his gaze to the stars, reflecting on Josiah’s words. So change it. If it took the rest of his life to fix this mess and earn back his friendship with Vin, then so be it. “I’m sorry, Vin. God, I’m sorry.”

Chris drew in a deep breath, shut his eyes, dropped his face, clasped his hands and did something he hadn't done since he was a small boy - he prayed. "Father, please watch his back for me. Please."

**********

Weather wise, the second day was identical to the first - hot, dry and strained. Without explanation, Larabee’s mood deteriorated after lunch. While still quiet, his face was set in a severe frown and his eyes distant and harsh. The anger beginning to build within him was obvious to all, but none understood its source and thus could do nothing to alleviate their companion‘s pain. For the first time, Chris appeared to be aware of Buck and Ezra’s furtive exchanges, but like Josiah, Nathan and J.D., he didn’t comment.

To help ease the choking atmosphere, Josiah took to sharing stories of his past and J.D. elaborated on his many apparently ’psychic’ feelings which had come true. By evening, Chris was no longer replying to questions, but was responding with monosyllabic grunts. It was an unwelcome and heart-wrenching flash from the past for Buck.

**********

Evening was welcomed by the group, but once the meal was completed, Chris rose and drifted away from his companions.

“He’s seems angry,” J.D. commented, a little puzzled.

“We may not find Vin, J.D. He’s taking it hard,” Nathan explained.

“Not the way I had anticipated,” Buck murmured. He had expected Larabee to be violent, drunk and willing to shoot anyone who tried to interrupt his self-imposed exile from humanity. Rather, Chris had willingly joined the others on this mission. Far from violent, he was quiet and withdrawn, but today, the underlying rage festering just below the surface, which Buck suspected could ignite with little or no warning, had showed itself.

“He’s grieving,” Nathan murmured.

Buck shook his head. “Not the same way he did when he lost Sarah and Adam.”

“This is different. This time he has the power to change it,” Josiah pointed out.

“To bring Vin back?” Nathan asked. Josiah nodded.

Ezra cursed and directed his attention at a small rodent foraging for food near the base of a bush at the edge of the small clearing where they‘d set camp. No one was going to bring Vin back now, but the others were blissfully unaware of that fact. How he longed to share their ignorance.

“I still can’t believe that Vin didn’t come back after a few days. I mean, Vin doesn’t usually stay angry for long,” J.D. reflected, his companion’s doubts finally dinting his own optimism of finding their missing partner.

Nathan frowned, his gaze drawn to the indistinct outline of Chris seated alone some distance from where the group had laid out their bedrolls. “I think I’ll go for a walk,” the healer commented, rising.

“Nathan, be careful what you say to him,” Buck warned. "He's on the edge. He may not look like it, but he is."

Jackson acknowledged the advice with a curt nod and then disappeared into the murky moonlit night.

“So, Ez, you want to play some cards?” Dunne asked, searching for some way to lift the stifling tone.

Standish didn’t respond. He appeared lost in thought, staring off into nothingness with great intensity.

“Ezra?” J.D. prompted. “You want to play some cards?”

Standish glanced across at the boy and forced a smile. “I am happy to take your money if you have any.”

**********

Chris snorted as Nathan approached. “You all draw lots to see who sits with me each night?”

Jackson smiled. “Something like that.”

“Who asked all of you to stick your noses in my business?” Chris growled, quietly.

“A man doesn‘t ask for help from friends. I came over because I have a question.”

Larabee, who had not looked at Nathan to this point, now lifted his eyes to the standing man and focused on him. “What do you want to know?” The sarcastic snarl hung in the air. Chris felt he knew exactly what was on the healer's mind.

For a split second, Nathan considered walking away. Chris wasn‘t in any mood for talking, but Jackson had to know the answer to a question that had been burning in his mind. “After Vin was shot, describe how he looked to you.”

“What?” It wasn’t what the gunfighter had been expecting. He knew the others all wanted to know why Vin had left. Part of him even felt they were entitled to an explanation. The other part could not face the reality of what had happened.

“From what Mary told me, he seemed to recover awful quick.”

Chris shook his head with self-disgust. “I should have made him stay in bed longer, but he’s a stubborn bastard.”

“You aren’t telling me anything I don’t know,” Nathan chuckled, settling with his back to a tree only a few feet from Chris “So, was he still pale the next day?”

“Why? Why the questions?” Larabee asked, suspiciously.

“Curiosity. It isn’t exactly usual for a man shot in the head to get up and be walking around the next day, is all. Then again, I hadn‘t ever met a man who could ride the day after breaking four or five ribs and taking a bullet in the shoulder, either.”

Chris exhaled slowly and then focused on the darkness out in front of him. “He wasn’t well, but he wouldn‘t admit it.” For a few seconds Chris paused. The tone of his next comment advertised how close his rage was to boiling over. “Admitting he was hurt was like some sort of &^*# sin. Damned if I know what his problem was.”

He was blaming Vin, Nathan realized. Perhaps he needed to. “Weakness.”

“What?!”

“Admitting to being is hurt is a sign of weakness to the enemies of a hunted man.”

“There weren’t any enemies, Nathan,” Chris snapped.

“You can’t unlearn something in three months - at least, not something that has kept you alive for years.” Jackson’s face flashed with deep pain from a forgotten part of his life. “As a slave, I learned that showing weakness only invited a beating. So I never showed any. It was survival of the fittest. That’s how Vin sees things, too. At the first sign of weakness or vulnerability, he knows he’s dead and so he fights like hell to hide any injury or illness.”

Chris listened to Nathan and found the words made sense. Yet, why had Vin felt the need to fight when he knew his best friend had been prepared to protect him? Larabee’s anger at Tanner escalated.

“Were his pupils dilated?”

Larabee nodded, his suspicions again aroused. Nathan kept coming back to Vin’s condition. “Yeah. We argued about it a couple of times that day but he told me to stop actin’ like…”

“… like an old she-wolf,” Nathan finished with a smile. “Yep, I’ve heard that before. Do you remember when he busted them ribs? I thought I was going to have to resort to locking him in a jail cell to make him rest.”

For a while the pair was silent. “Just curiosity?” Chris checked. Nathan avoided the gunfighter’s gaze for several moments, but guilt forced him to make eye contact.

Slowly the healer shook his head. “A man’s head ain’t supposed be used to stop bullets. I wish I’d been there to…”

“So do I,” Chris cut him off, looking away…and Larabee’s fury at the world swelled.

“How much bruising was there?” When Chris didn’t reply, Nathan rose to his feet, accepting that the discussion was at an end. “Goodnight.”

“Nathan?” The single word was a question that the healer understood immediately.

Jackson gazed down at his friend and considered his answer carefully. “I don’t know, Chris. If he was on his feet the next day, then I guess he was okay. If I’d stayed in town rather than riding with the wagon train, maybe I could have… I don‘t know. Done something.”

Chris watched the healer go, wondering if guilt had been the only reason behind Nathan’s probing questions.

When Jackson returned to the group, all were playing cards. Josiah threw his hand down and moved across to the thoughtful healer. “He alright?“

“He wants us to think he is. I noticed a change in him after lunch.“

“I think we all did.” It was like a dark cloud had descended over Chris. At first, he had appeared agitated as if he had lost something and was desperately trying to remember where he'd left it. Then, he had withdrawn into himself, avoiding eye contact with any of his companions.

“Nathan, you need to remember that his anger is basically self-directed. He may take it out on those around him, but Chris is seething at himself. We are only in the firing line because we choose to try and help him.”

“And you think that may have been what happened between he and Vin?”

Josiah shrugged. “At the moment, that is a secret known only to them and God.”

Nathan began to fidget with his mug.

“Share your load?“ Josiah asked, noting the creases pinching around his friend’s eyes.

“I’m worried about Vin.”

“You aren’t alone in that, brother.”

Nathan glanced towards his poker playing companions nervously and then lowered his voice. “I saw a lot of strange things during the war. There was a soldier that I carried in who had received a bullet graze to the head in a dawn battle. By lunch time, he was up and about like nothing had happened.”

“So?”

“So by sundown on that same day, we‘d buried him.”

“A delayed reaction?” Josiah asked.

Jackson nodded. “I can’t get it out of my mind. He seemed fine and then collapsed and died within a few hours. What if Vin wasn’t as well has he made out? I should have been in town. If I‘d been there…”

“We don’t know that Vin suffered the same sort of injury, Nathan,” Josiah cut his friend off, reaching out and placing his hand on Jackson’s shoulder. “You need to stop thinking that way or it will tear you up inside. This isn’t your fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault.”

“I know. I just can’t help thinking that… There had to be a reason, Josiah. Riding out in anger and not coming back to sort things out. It isn’t like Vin.”

“I know, but we don’t know what transpired between the two of them that night. Words can wound deeper than blows or bullets. You, of all people, know that, my friend.”

“I can’t accept that he just rode out. You, me, Ezra, anyone else, but Vin? No.” Nathan was shaking his head again. He’d gone over and over it in his mind and he had decided there had to be more to it. “Don’t laugh, but I’ve actually been considering J.D.’s kidnap theory.”

Sanchez chuckled. “It’s crossed my mind more than once, too.” The mirth faded. “It was only by the grace of God that Chris wasn’t forced to bury Vin that day. Having to bury those you care about can mess with a man’s head, particularly someone like Chris who had already lost his family in horrific circumstances. If Chris ‘repelled borders’ like Buck said, Vin may simply have decided that the risk of staying was too great and so he moved on, just as he had stated he was going to.”

“I wish I could believe that,” Nathan murmured.

Josiah patted Nathan’s shoulder, moved to his bed roll, lay down and shut his eyes. “So do I,” he admitted, quietly.

**********

"Thought you might like some coffee."

Chris accepted the mug and inclined his head for Buck to sit. Wilmington did so, a little surprised at the invitation.

"You want to know what happened?" Chris asked. The growl rumbled around in the back of his throat as the weight of the secret became heavier.

Buck sipped his coffee. "Reckon I probably already do."

At this, Chris snorted.

“You shut him out. He left.” Chris lifted his eyes to meet Buck’s, a glare of aggression aimed at his oldest friend. “What the hell did you expect, Chris? He‘s so much like you it makes my head spin. He reacted the same way you do when you‘re hurt. He shut everyone and everything out of his life and he walked away. Just like you did three years ago. Tell me I‘m wrong?” Buck invited.

“You got it all worked out, haven’t you, Buck?” Chris snarled.

Wilmington sighed. “I wish I did, Chris.“ Wilmington eyed Larabee who was still glowering at him. “Chris, you’ve got to realize that being angry at Vin and at me and anyone else who is trying and help you isn‘t…”

“Shut up.”

“Probably best, because if I tell you want I think about how you dealt with all of this…” Buck left the statement hanging. “He didn’t deserve it, Chris.”

Larabee dropped his gaze and stared down into his coffee. As Buck’s words hit their mark, the anger syphoned away leaving only the dreadful fear that was fuelling his rage. "Up until lunch time today, I'd had a sense of him,” Chris admitted. “Feelings. A thought... just knowing. You know?"

Buck nodded and swallowed. His heart rate increased. "And now?"

Chris drew in a breath and searched his feelings. "Nothing.” It was the strangest emptiness he had ever felt… an emptiness that coupled with his fear, was fanning the flames of his anger. He wasn’t prepared to let go and yet, he was beginning to realize that what he was trying to cling to was gone.

Without warning, Chris cursed. "I can't believe I'm placing any confidence in… it’s ridiculous," Chris dismissed. Knowing. Sensing. What did it all mean? It was the sort of thing he'd expect coming from J.D. And yet, he felt the loss to his core. The barrenness of his own soul extended over him with overpowering hopelessness. He felt more alone now than he could ever remember.

"Chris... I..." Buck struggled. His heart was ordering him to share what he knew. However, his head continued to stop him. In Chris’ eyes, he could see anguish and grief. In his own way, Larabee seemed to know instinctively that Vin was gone and not coming back. Lunch today had been the turning point.

"We better get some sleep," Chris suggested, rising.

Buck nodded and followed the blond back to camp, reflecting on the few scraps of knowledge Chris had fed him. Larabee no longer had a 'sense' of Vin. Buck had never given much credence to such notions, but experience had quickly taught him that this 'sense of knowing' between his two friends was real. He'd seen evidence of it too many times to simply ignore it.

Now Chris was saying the ‘it’ that he and Vin shared was gone.

Buck lay down and shut his eyes. He had been clinging to the slimmest of hopes that somehow Vin had escaped the hangman's noose, but that hope had dissolved tonight. According to Chris, the connection between he and Vin had been broken and while Larabee may not understand why, Buck did. His and Ezra's worst fears had been realized. Clearly, Vin had met his fate in Tascosa at around midday. The young man Buck had had the privilege of calling a friend for only three short months was dead. As a direct result, Wilmington feared that the brother, whom he had recently been reunited with, would slowly slip back into the abyss of torment he had resided in until Vin Tanner had shown him the way out. The death of one meant losing both. Buck had suspected that would be the case… and tragically, it appeared he was right.